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Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in Ivy's LiveJournal:

Thursday, October 4th, 2001
2:46 pm
The life inside
There has been so much death, destruction, and upheaval in my city, and yet my constant focus has been on the life inside me. The day before the attack, I got a call from my doctor that a blood test had revealed a possible chromosomal anomaly in my fetus, and I spent the rest of that day in a daze of fear and anxiety. The next day, I had nearly forgotten, as I made my way home from a city on fire, and reached out to my friends and family to make sure everyone was OK. I had scheduled an amniocentesis for Thursday the 13th, and even though my hospital is at the center of the medical response, they told me to come in anyway. So amidst the chaos and the fear of the city, I was confronting my own fear that this creature I had already come to love might be so sick I would lose him.

The procedure went very well, and I was somewhat assured. A week went by, and I was distracted from worry about the baby by worry about everything else. A week and a half after the procedure, two weeks after the initial call, we got the call that everything was normal, and I am carrying a healthy boy.

During this awful time, I felt the first recognizable movements, which is the most remarkable feeling, and my favorite part of pregnancy. It gave me so much hope and joy. Each day they grow stronger and stronger, and C. can feel them when he touches my belly. I can even sometimes see a little bulge appear and disappear. He is stirring, he is active, and in the New Year, he will be born.

I was frightened about the prospect of bringing a baby into what seems to be a terminally fucked up world, but I remind myself that my grandparents were born during progroms and the Great War, my parents during World War II, and I was conceived during the Vietnam draft, as my parents cuddled in Philadelphia, not knowing whether my father would have to go or not. I hope he will bring light to the world. I know he will bring it to mine.

Current Mood: hopeful
Thursday, April 12th, 2001
8:28 pm
Waah!
I have a horrible cold! (my first since last year, miraculously) I have to work all weekend on an emergency matter! I am tired! I am cranky! I cannot breathe through my left nostril!

Current Mood: cranky
Friday, March 23rd, 2001
4:53 pm
My latest project
Since I was a teenager I've had a really strong maternal urge, but I guess not so overwhelming that I ever let myself off the good-girl-get-degrees-get-As-get-career-going-get-married-first track, so despite a fairly colorful sex life, and with a good deal of luck, I never got knocked up. C. was the first guy I was ever with who talked about having kids with me as a "when" not an "if," even before we were engaged.

Last summer, on our honeymoon, we sat in a huge tub in our outdoor bathroom in Bali, with lizards climbing on the walls and red hibiscus flowers decorating the eroded stone sculptures, and planned the next part of our lives. Our decision was to start trying to have a baby a year later. It was such a wonderful feeling, to be spending this time with my new husband, with all the "somedays" suddenly in the present. We talked about our jobs, and what we really wanted to do with our lives, and how we would take turns helping each other to achieve those things.

On January 1 I quit caffeine cold turkey, and I signed up for personal training sessions to jumpstart my efforts to get in good shape. I bought a book about prenatal nutrition, started eating more broccoli and taking vitamins, and generally have tried to get myself into healthier habits that hopefully will be second nature by the time I'm with critter.

Last month I went off the Pill. 15 years of contraceptives are coming to an end. Surprisingly, my body chugged back into its natural action quickly. It's odd encountering its old rhythms again, which I haven't experienced much unadulterated since I was a teenager, half of my lifetime ago. It's also pretty cool that hormones and biology prevail.

This morning I started charting my temperature, which is supposed to help pinpoint fertility. I don't know if it will work, or if we'll want to jump into bed just because a graph tells us to, but I do like the feeling that this project is getting started. I also like my nifty lavender digital thermometer that beeps when it's ready.

I have some fear, because I have a high risk of early labor, but right now I'm just excited about getting started.

Current Mood: happy
Tuesday, March 20th, 2001
6:52 pm
Warning -- contains whining
Work has been nice and manageable for the last few weeks -- until today. Suddenly I'm back in the morass. Deadlines appearing from left and right, partners dumping a bunch of little things they don't feel like dealing with that add up to a lot for me, secretaries who lose entire files, and some big assignments that I'd feel overwhelmed by due to the short schedule even if I were more experienced at handling them.

In short, I have two big projects to finish this week, plus I have to take a deposition outside of Philadelphia on Thursday. I'm not certain what the deposition is going to be about, and I'm feeling like I'll have a very hard time getting ready for it. Plus, frankly, I'm not feeling very much in the mood to get on an early train so I can be there by 9:30am. And then the following week it's more of the same, only two days of it. And there are other things due next week as well. I can't imagine how it's all going to get done.

Then, of course, I feel guilty about complaining. This is my job after all, and they pay me well to do it. I just always have a hard time revving myself up after a period of relative calm. I hope I get there this time.

Current Mood: overwhelmed
6:43 pm
Warning -- contains whining
Work has been nice and manageable for the last few weeks -- until today. Suddenly I'm back in the morass. Deadlines appearing from left and right, partners dumping a bunch of little things they don't feel like dealing with that add up to a lot for me, secretaries who lose entire files, and some big assignments that I'd feel overwhelmed by due to the short schedule even if I were more experienced at handling them.

In short, I have two big projects to finish this week, plus I have to take a deposition outside of Philadelphia on Thursday. I'm not certain what the deposition is going to be about, and I'm feeling like I'll have a very hard time getting ready for it. Plus, frankly, I'm not feeling very much in the mood to get on an early train so I can be there by 9:30am. And then the following week it's more of the same, only two days of it. And there are other things due next week as well. I can't imagine how it's all going to get done.

Then, of course, I feel guilty about complaining. This is my job after all, and they pay me well to do it. I just always have a hard time revving myself up after a period of relative calm. I hope I get there this time.

Current Mood: overwhelmed
Tuesday, March 6th, 2001
3:43 pm
Accessories Make Me Happy
A month or so ago I went a little eBay crazy and started bidding on two rings. Naturally, I won both auctions even though, strictly speaking, I did not need two big, emerald cut cocktail rings. OK, I didn't even need one. But something lately has been driving me towards rings with big stones, perhaps because I didn't have an engagement ring when I got married last year, and buying me jewelry is not one of the ways C. likes to show his love. Fine, I decided, I will please myself and buy myself a little prezzie.

The first ring arrived by mail today. It's a gold setting, sort of fluted in a Deco kind of way, with a 6 carat or so rectangular aquamarine. It's really clear and lovely, even nicer than it was in the picture. I had been a little nervous about buying it, but now that it's here I'm delighted. I feel like a grande dame, which is a nice feeling to have on a snowy day when I'm wearing my big waterproof boots and a sweater. I predict it will be a nice thing to have around when I need a bit of glam.

Now someone should just invite me to a party to which I can wear it.
Friday, January 19th, 2001
4:45 pm
Keeping Busy
I can't believe how busy I have suddenly become. I like it some, but it scares me because I took this job in part because I didn't want to be so busy all the time and I was really enjoying the slower pace. What I like about being busy is that I'm getting a lot of work done, and I feel very productive and accomplished. I'm getting to go all over the country to take my first depositions, and that's an exciting professional development. I'm also busy because I'm trying to do other enriching things, like take a class on trademark law, work out with a trainer once a week, and get to the gym more.

What I don't like about being busy is that I feel like my house is a hotel. I have half unpacked suitcases from my last few trips lying around the house. I never cook any more, and if C. doesn't take care of the cleaning up and laundry it just doesn't happen. I don't like having to rely on him for that because I know he doesn't like doing it any more than I do. I barely have time to see him let alone see my friends. I get to watch some TV, but haven't been to a movie, a play, or a museum in weeks.

In other news, I'm extremely excited that my very closest friend is moving back to New York soon, and I really can't wait for her to be here. I hope I have time to see her.

Current Mood: busy
Sunday, November 26th, 2000
7:39 pm
Moving Forward
Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm excited, a bit apprehensive. Not whirling with the thrill or the anxiety. I've done this too many times and too frequently to be that emotional about it. I feel pretty confident that I made a good choice, but until I've lived it for a while, of course I won't know for sure.

Every time I start a new job, or when I used to start a new school program, I wonder whether this time I'll take proper advantage of the chance to present the self I want to the new people. I always seem to disappoint myself -- the insecure, studiously "outrageous" one somehow always seems to assert herself, and it's a long, difficult struggle to convince her observers that the person inside me is more shy, more understanding, and less colorful than the person they've seen lunge for the spotlight. People I'm close to understand this, that the person who wore tight leather jeans and a shirt open to the diaphragm last night is the same one who dreads walking into a room of strangers, in case nobody wants to talk to her. Talk to me. And that is why that smallish group of people -- Megan, Anne, Pam, Laura, Wendy, Corin, Rachel, mom, dad, Christi -- are the people I'm thinking of the most at this time of year.

Current Mood: pensive
Tuesday, November 14th, 2000
7:05 pm
Why do I look like this?
I've added a picture of myself, finally. It's a picture from a day I was really happy -- at the gorgeous beach hotel C and I stayed in on our honeymoon in Bali. But, mystifyingly, my face is all blurry. Maybe the camera is trying to tell me something.....

Anyway, blurry or not, it will do for now.

Current Mood: curious
Tuesday, November 7th, 2000
5:10 pm
A Transitional Phase, again
Here I am in my office, trying hard to believe that in a very few days I'll never have to come back here. I finally made a work decision and gave notice last week. I'm leaving this firm, where I've worked for the last year and a half, on Friday, to go work at a small, more relaxed intellectual property firm.

I was feeling really good about my decision, which kind of took me by surprise once I made up my mind. I'd been leaning away from it, but once another possibility fell through, I felt great about this offer. I talked to friends and relatives and C, and everyone was very supportive of the idea. Except then last Monday, the day I hoped to give notice, I called my parents to tell them, and my father (also a lawyer) was suddenly pretty negative about it, mostly due to the fact I'm taking a pay cut for working fewer hours, and because I've moved twice already in three years, which isn't all that normal in the law firm world. He was afraid I'd change my mind again in a year or so and start to look like a flake on my resume.

This really took the wind out my sails, and it's been kind of hard to get back to where I was about it. I really respect my father's advice, and so I took this seriously. Not seriously enough to change my decision, but enough to feel a bit shaken by it. I did go ahead and take the job anyway, but I'm second guessing myself a little. My mother echoed him for a while, but then I think she really got it when I explained that this new job offers a lot of what she was hoping I'd hold out for, and she called me the next day to say she thought I'd made a good decision, which was nice to hear. Still, I haven't managed to shake some of the nervousness about what I've done.

My current employers greeted the news at first as I had hoped -- graciously, with a lot of regret that I was leaving because -- they like me! they really like me! They made the usual mild efforts to talk me out of it. Everything was fine the first day.

But since then, they've been subjecting me to their usual "joking around" which is fraught with more than a little hostility. We're talking, my boss singing "Taps" when he passes me in the halls. We're talking discussing in front of several people on several occasions how I'm blowing an opportunity to get a big bonus, and how I'll probably have to work just as hard because the firm must have lied to me. He's been slamming my new firm's clients, without even knowing whom we represent -- because naturally nobody can be as successful or important as he is. But the worst thing has been a recurring "joke" about how he and his partners have all agreed that the best thing about my leaving is that they won't have to endure the presence of my "freaky slacker" husband at their firm functions any more. It wasn't funny the first three times, and it's gotten less funny as it's been repeated.

This is a really hard week, too, because I have so much work to finish and I have to pack my office. We also moved last week, and I love the new place and the whole feel of having more space and a real apartment, but feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do to settle in there.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by how hideous my current bosses have been. That was largely why I hated the culture here in the first place. I should be glad to leave. It just doesn't seem quite real to me yet.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, October 4th, 2000
12:08 pm
Pondering
I'm really not doing much of anything at work these days, except getting through what has to be done immediately, browsing online, and pondering what to do with my career. I have some possibilities that are all up in the air right now, and an offer that sounds good, but not great. Admitting out loud recently that I think I don't like litigation was a major first step, but in some ways I'm even more confused because I don't feel like I have many other options. I'm getting to the point, also, where I need the financial stability in order to do the things I want to do, like have a child, but the idea of staying on this career path seems like being locked in a dungeon.

I'm also not doing much else. I was happy last week to have dinner with one friend, and then spend Saturday afternoon with a dear friend who I never get to see enough of, and then Sunday wandering about with C and seeing my family, but that's all for my social/personal life. I'm not drawing, or knitting, or taking dance classes, or going to the gym, or anything. I think I'm in some high-functioning level of depression. It's not making my life particularly difficult, but it's preventing me from doing something more to make me happier.

Current Mood: contemplative
Monday, September 25th, 2000
5:58 pm
Sick
I got home this morning from Christi's wedding in LA, but I caught a nasty cold so I stayed home sick. Which was a good idea, but I'm so programmed to feel guilty about missing work that I've been mildly anxious about it all day. I have to be out again Thursday for a callback interview, and I've got a ton of work to do. But I'm really in no shape to do anything constructive today. That is what is good about Nyquil.

Current Mood: groggy
Thursday, September 21st, 2000
6:17 pm
I hate getting my hopes up about things. On the way to the interview this morning my mother kept talking about Westchester real estate, like it was a done deal and all I had to do now was move in and start work. But this was a first interview and I'm not really all that qualified. I remember she did this to my father when he was interviewing for a job in the Berkshires. Before he'd even been called back they were looking at houses. I think in response I don't let myself get even a healthy amount of excited about anything. I wish I could just have a nice balance.

I'm covered with bug bite welts, and starting to worry. At first I thought I must have some dread disease, but then I healed up nicely until the new ones came. Now I'm afraid my bed is infested. Gross.

Current Mood: anxious
Wednesday, September 20th, 2000
5:01 pm
My day in court
I went to court for the second time in three weeks on my case. It's amazing how this case shows what I've done since starting this job. A year and a half ago it was my first complaint, my first brief on my own, my major nervous breakdown that I couldn't do it. Now it's clear that this is =my= case, and it's kind of exciting. It's not a big deal, but I'm enjoying it. I didn't really get nervous today, though I could happily beat myself up all day for the few things I let slip, or sounded stupid about. I wish I could devote more time to it, rather than constantly getting swept into Eric's stuff. But that's unrealistic to hope, so I have to keep looking to move on.
Sunday, September 10th, 2000
5:49 pm
I start my journal
I'm at work today. Working on a weekend doesn't even faze me any more, though it's been a few weeks since I've had to. Actually, it gives me something to do. I've found myself in a rut lately, where nothing really interests me to do. I envy C (my husband) who seems to love his work, even when it's driving him crazy. I like being a lawyer, especially when I'm actually doing something, rather than just treading water, but I miss the theater more and more. We went to the annual party for C's department at grad school, and it just struck me at how envious I am of everyone who stayed in it. I'm also envious of the ones who are still in school. I definitely wasn't able to realize how lucky I was while I was there. I think that would be the case no matter how old or experienced I was when I was in school. There's always something I could have done better in hindsight. Still, I think grad school is better the older you are.

I really need to pursue going back to school, getting the PhD and writing the copyright book. I think, even with all the politics and insanity, I'd prefer academia to law firm life. It's such a lot to bite off, though, and such a long haul. I must set goals, get some applications and talk to some departments about creating a program for me that makes sense.
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