Ivy (ivy68) wrote,

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Moving Forward

Tomorrow I start my new job. I'm excited, a bit apprehensive. Not whirling with the thrill or the anxiety. I've done this too many times and too frequently to be that emotional about it. I feel pretty confident that I made a good choice, but until I've lived it for a while, of course I won't know for sure.

Every time I start a new job, or when I used to start a new school program, I wonder whether this time I'll take proper advantage of the chance to present the self I want to the new people. I always seem to disappoint myself -- the insecure, studiously "outrageous" one somehow always seems to assert herself, and it's a long, difficult struggle to convince her observers that the person inside me is more shy, more understanding, and less colorful than the person they've seen lunge for the spotlight. People I'm close to understand this, that the person who wore tight leather jeans and a shirt open to the diaphragm last night is the same one who dreads walking into a room of strangers, in case nobody wants to talk to her. Talk to me. And that is why that smallish group of people -- Megan, Anne, Pam, Laura, Wendy, Corin, Rachel, mom, dad, Christi -- are the people I'm thinking of the most at this time of year.
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